This morning while doing a quick journey for a friend of mine, I was struck—as I often am—by the universality of some of the guidance that was being given to her. This friend had just ended a romance and wanted some understanding of what had transpired.
The faeries—who quite honestly love to talk about human relationship (seriously, I think they’re worse than we are)—tell me that what my friend is looking for in her relationship, she is looking for in herself. What is missing there is missing from within.
Zing! I have to stop drumming and come up for air when I hear this. Is this true of all relationships, I wonder? Well, certainly there’s that whole like attracts like thing. And, I have heard that being in relationship is like holding up a mirror, that what you find fault with in others is just a reflection of what you find fault with in yourself. Hmmm.
I remember that a few years back while I was coming out of a long relationship, my yoga teacher, having listened to my saga, handed me a taped lecture by Ram Dass. Only one thing remains in my memory about that lecture, and it was Ram Dass saying (as if to me personally): The question you should be asking isn’t: how could this person betray me? The question you should be asking yourself is: how could I betray myself? Zing!
I finish my friend’s journey and then sit and chew on this idea for a while. I flip back through the catalog of my past relationships and try the “missing formula” on for size: is it true that what was missing in them was missing in me?
Okay, do I really need to tell you how fricking accurate this is? Zing! Zing! Zing!
When I looked at one former partner, I felt that honesty was missing and then realized I wasn’t being honest with myself about how I truly felt about him. Looking at another, I felt that support was missing, and noted how at that point in my life I wasn’t giving support to my own dreams. I had myself on a list where I came in dead last. Another partner lacked clarity, and I realized I wasn’t being very clear about what I wanted from that relationship.
I admit it’s hard to see the surrounding forest when your nose is pressed up against a tree, but think about how meaningful it would be if you were to take this idea forward as a working guideline in relationship. It seems like it might be a pretty good diagnostic tool for what’s ailing that beleaguered heart of yours. My friend struggled with this message herself until she did her own journey, and was guided to see that what she was looking for in her romance she wasn’t giving to herself. Once she made a promise to love and accept herself, she was on the road to healing.