I am feeling these days like I need to be brave. So much seems to be hanging in the balance. Here I am in this new home, needing to expand my work and revise my book and create workshops and devise new ways of reaching people. Here I am finished with an old relationship and waiting for something to fill in that blank. In the mornings though, I wake, not charged with excitement and anticipation, as I might expect, but empty. Empty because the space around me, the shape of my life and my future is still unformed. And it scares me.
I read something recently about how hard it is to relax when you are holding emptiness. And it does require holding sometimes, when that’s all there is.
Whenever I feel like I need to be brave, I journey to Queen Maeve, the Celtic warrior queen and ask her advice. She told me something once I feel I have yet to fully grasp the meaning of: You never go to war out of anger, she told me. You go out of love. It is a sacrifice, no different than childbirth.
We are at war all the time. The Celts called Battle (the North point of the Celtic Spirit Wheel) the ongoing struggle between ego and spirit. My ego-self is frightened these days of all that lies ahead, because it is not clearly mapped out. It is all in a mist—holding still in a betwixt and between place.
I pulled a Sabian Symbol today—as I do most days. (You can try out this unusual oracle by visiting: http://www.sabiansymbols.com/page.asp?id=968) Today I drew Cancer 7—Two fairies dancing on a moonlit night. Already I am smiling. The oracle tells me I need to let go of the rational for a while. Oh, how I like this idea. My rational mind is giving me such a headache these days, talking about checkbook balances and worst case scenarios. I really need to slam that pie hole shut.
I think instead I will go out and put the garden to sleep for the winter, cut back the perennials and bring in the flower pots. There is something so inspiring about the earth at this time of year, how it stands ready for the coming of winter, heart wide open. At this time of year, it will show us how to go forward out of love and give birth–as it will next spring–out of the emptiness.